How do you respond when someone tells you about something good that happened to them? Do you say “That’s great, congratulations!” while hurrying to your next meeting? If so, you are missing an opportunity to build relationships.

Research shows that how we respond to others in good times is as important for building relationships as how we react to negative events.

Celebrate the Positive

Talking about positive events increases our well-being. And when others respond enthusiastically to our news, we feel even better!

Affirmative communications create positive emotions which can lead to a positivity tipping point. People who experience at least three times as many positive emotions as negative emotions are more likely to flourish. And what is true for individuals also applies to teams and organizations.

Active constructive responding (ACR) is a great way to help others feel good and boost our own mood at the same time.

Here’s how it works.

Responding actively and constructively is more than just saying “that’s nice” when someone shares a positive event. It involves showing interest and asking questions to help the person relive their positive experience.

Imagine a colleague tells you a new customer accepted her proposal. An active and constructive response might be:

“That’s great! I know you put a lot of time into that proposal, and it sure paid off. Did the customer say why you got the business? When will you start the project?”

Try This at Work (and at Home)!

The next time someone tells you about something good that happened to them, take extra time to respond actively and constructively (the slower, the better). Write down both your response and how they react. Try this for a week. Research by Shelly Gable and colleagues shows that the result will be improved relationships and better moods all around.

Other Person’s Event:

My Response to Them:

Their Reaction:

Shelly Gable on the power of active, constructive responding in relationships:

References

Fredrickson, B. (2009). Positivity: Groundbreaking research reveals how to embrace the hidden strength of positive emotions, overcome negativity, and thrive. Crown Publishers/Random House.

Fredrickson, B. (2013). Updated thinking on positivity ratios. American Psychologist, 68(9), 814–822. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0033584

Gable, S. L., Gonzaga, G. C., & Strachman, A. (2006). Will you be there for me when things go right? Supportive responses to positive event disclosures. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 91(5), 904–917. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.91.5.904

Gable, S. L., Reis, H. T., Impett, E. A., & Asher, E. R. (2004). What Do You Do When Things Go Right? The Intrapersonal and Interpersonal Benefits of Sharing Positive Events. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 87(2), 228–245. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.87.2.228

Seligman, M. E. (2006). Learned optimism: How to change your mind and your life. Vintage.

Image: The Graces Listening to Cupid’s Song 2, Wikimedia Commons