Tom Truly is project manager on a project that has recently missed a deadline and lost a key customer. Sarah, the project sponsor, has called a meeting with Tom to discuss progress. She has been under pressure from senior management to “fix” the high-visibility project. Sarah is angry that Tom didn’t inform her in advance about the project issues. Every time she asked Tom how things were going, he answered: “Tip top!”

Let’s see how the meeting between Sarah and Tom goes:

Sarah: Tom, I learned at the last steering committee meeting that the project has some major problems. Last time I asked, you said everything was fine. Are you going to tell me what’s going on?

Tom: Yeah, we did miss a deadline.

Sarah: Not only did you miss a deadline, I heard you also lost a key customer. Why didn’t you tell me?

Tom: Well, we didn’t lose the customer because of delays. The customer thought the investment was too high.

Sarah: That may be so, but fact is: your performance is not acceptable. You missed a deadline. I expect you to get the project back on track—soon! From now on, I want a status report on my desk by 12 noon every Friday.

Clearly, this meeting was not productive. Sarah gained no insights about why the project is troubled and Tom leaves feeling demotivated.

What could Sarah and Tom have done differently? I’ll come back to their conversation with some suggestions for improvement at the end of this article.

We all face work conversations we dread—giving someone negative feedback, saying “no” to a colleague, asking our boss for extra time off. While these conversations may not be pleasant, every difficult conversation can also be a “learning conversation” according to Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen.

What can we do to turn a difficult conversation into a learning conversation?

Be aware of the three levels of conversation

Difficult conversations take place at different levels.

• the what happened level, which is mostly about facts (e.g. the project missed the deadline).
• the feelings level which often remains unspoken (Sarah felt angry about not being informed).
• the identity level, which revolves around issues of self-esteem, self-image and worthiness (Sarah is concerned about looking unprofessional in front of her peers).

Listen to different points of view

A difficult conversation is best approached from the perspective of the third story—neither what I think happened nor what you think happened, but rather the differences between our views about what happened. Include all points of view in the discussion and ask for the other person’s help in sorting out the situation.

It takes two to tangle.

Explore how each person contributed to the situation

Usually, each person has contributed to the problem in some way. A learning conversation occurs when both people are able to acknowledge their contribution to the problem. This is far easier for most of us than accepting blame!

Engage the other person in problem solving

Look for solutions that will satisfy each person’s needs, encourage communication and support a continued relationship.

Let’s revisit Sarah and Tom and see how they could have turned their meeting into a learning conversation:

Sarah: Tom, I wasn’t aware that we were going to miss the deadline. And the steering committee gave me grief for losing a customer. I would like to hear your perspective and discuss what we can do to get back on track.

Tom: We do have some issues, but I didn’t want to burden you with our problems. The team has been working around the clock, but we are struggling to keep up with changing customer requirements.

Sarah: I didn’t know that the requirements had changed. I thought we froze specifications at the last design meeting.

Tom: True, but the customer continued to ask for changes. They used their connections to push the changes through. I was told by a senior manager to “just make it work.”

Sarah: Hmm, I wished you had come to me with that. Can you tell me more about the changes?

Tom: I know it was a mistake not to inform you. The changes were small and I thought we could just implement them and make the customer happy. But the customer kept asking for more changes and it was hard to say no once we had said yes.

Sarah: I’m glad that you shared this with me. Do I understand you correctly that customer change requests are causing most of the delay? What can we do to ensure the problems won’t continue?

Tom: Well, I guess it would be helpful to have some guidelines for when we should accept a change request and when we can reject it.

Sarah: I agree. I should have supported you on this from the beginning. Let’s schedule a meeting to agree on a change request process. Once we have that in place, I will inform the project customers.

When the meeting ends, Sarah has gained important information and Tom is motivated to continue leading the project.

Summing it all up

• Be aware of three levels of conversation: facts, feelings and identity
• Include all points of view and ask for the other person’s help (I want to hear your perspective and discuss what we can do to get back on track.)
• Don’t make statements disguised as questions (Are you going to tell me what’s going on?)
• Don’t cross-examine (Why didn’t you tell me?)
• Ask open questions (How do you feel about that?)
• Dig for specific information (Can you tell me specifically what changes were requested?)
• Paraphrase for clarity (Do I understand you correctly that customer change requests are causing most of the delay?)
• Engage in mutual problem solving (What can we do to ensure the problems don’t continue?)

Further reading

Stone, Douglas, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen. (2000). Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss what Matters Most. New York: Penguin.

Image: Conversation by Sharon Mollerus licensed under CC BY 2.0